Prickly

Dear Dad,

I’ve been feeling super prickly lately. Everything bothers me. I guess that shouldn’t be surprising. This year is turning out like so many others—a new year begins, I greet it with a great deal of excitement and optimism, and as summer approaches, I’m feeling as suffocated as I did in previous years. No, this time around I feel even worse. Back in April, an agent had had asked to see my novel. I entered the immediate realm of tentative hope. My fingers were crossed. I shouted good thought into the universe. I refused to allow any negativity to infect me. And boom—another rejection. This one his hard. The agent offered no reason except to say that she couldn’t be passionate enough about my work to champion it. Does that mean it sucks? Maybe. I have no idea. But on the heels of not getting the job I wanted, the job I thought I did so well interviewing for, this really hurts. Is this where I should quit writing? Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time writing to you, talking to you. Do you even hear me begging for help? I suspect if there really was life after death, you’d have pulled a string or two for me by now.

Anyway, the hiring season is over for schools and once again I haven’t found anything. After twelve years of looking. What’s the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? So what do I do. Obviously, teaching isn’t going to work out, at least not in NJ but I’m stuck here, trapped. That makes it all so much worse because other states are so desperate for teachers. Perhaps I could find something elsewhere. Except, I can’t leave. And writing, oh I had hoped that someday persistence would win and maybe that would provide an avenue of revenue, but alas it has not. So this process of write, query, receive rejection, is beginning to feel like insanity as well. How do I escape it? What should I try now? I’m too old to try and break into another career. But I will not survive another year of rejections, another year of unemployment, another year of looking forward to things getting better when it’s apparent they never do. I’m tired of being depressed. Tired of being angry.  Tired of hearing, “Things will get better,” because it is just a tired cliche that means nothing. 

Last week, down in Texas, another lunatic wielding and AR-15 style rifle walked into an elementary school and slaughtered 19 students and two teachers. I am so disgusted with this country and it’s obsession with guns. I’m so tired of watching the news and crying. What made it worse this time is the police refused to confront the gunman. The gunman fired, the cops took cover. It was the Feds who eventually showed up and killed the gunman. By then it was too late, the carnage heart wrenching. In the wake of the shooting, Republicans are amping up their cries to protect their Second Amendment rights. Hell, the NRA hosted its annual conference days after the shooting in the same damn state. The Republicans blame mental health, but no one would be able to commit such a heinous crime without access to firearms, no matter how ill they were. Republicans also want to amp up security in schools. Why? So more cops can cower while kids are being killed. But despite my intense feelings regarding cops, I can step back and say that in the case of mass shootings, maybe we are asking too much of the police. Men armed with handguns seems woefully ill prepared to confront someone with an AR-15. Why is it so hard to see that the most logical thing to do, the most pro-life laws our government could enact, is the banning of firearms. Until Texas, I was willing to listen to the other side. But not any more. Too many children have died. Columbine should have been the end, not the beginning. And Sandy Hook, how the hell did we let his happen again? I’m fed up with the selfishness of people who demand their rights to arm themselves when those rights continuously get twisted and end in the slaughter of innocent kids. Why as a nation do we love firearms more than children? 

In school, G3’s social studies teacher showed the class a CNN news clipping of the shooting. She didn’t follow it up with any discussion. She didn’t bother to help the kids unpack their feelings or emotions. As you know, I am not opposed to G3 knowing what’s happening in the world, but I’m appalled that the teacher would be so irresponsible as to not let the kids work through their feelings following the video. In dismay, I sent the teacher an email and copied the principal in on it: 

“G3 told me that he watched CNN 10 in class and that the Texas shooting was mentioned. However, after hearing about this tragic event there was no follow-up discussion in which the students could unpack the tragedy. Why was there no conversation to help the students understand what happened and share their feelings? It also seems like a missed opportunity to discuss the civics issues involved. I am by no means opposed to my son knowing what happens in the world. But with some events an adult needs to lead a conversation and provide a safe space to understand what happened.”

The principal responded, an obvious attempt to change the narrative of what occurred. She did not address my concerns, but attempted to create a new—though false—scenario:

“The tragedy at Robb Elementary School is a very sensitive topic, it is important for families to “unpack” it with their children.  We must acknowledge that not every families wants their child to be exposed to the senseless acts of gun violence.  However, parents that want to have these conversations should do so in the comfort of their home. This would allow their child to express their thoughts, reactions and feelings about the subject.   Below, I have included some resources that you may want to review with your child regarding the topic.”

If the school really didn’t want to bring it up in the classroom, if they wanted to respect parents and their decisions as to what should or should not be discussed, why did the teacher show the news clipping? The principal said, “We must acknowledge that not every families wants their child to be exposed to the senseless acts of gun violence.” Okay fine. I get that. But then the teacher completely disregarded parental concerns by showing the video in the first place. 

I wish you could talk to me. Why do ghosts only exist in the movies? I wish you could tell me if there is life after death, a great hall for souls to gather and reconnect with each other after they have died. I’d like to think of all those dead kids from Texas in a happier place. I’d also like to think of the gunman in hell worse than anything Dante ever conceived. In Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” Jesus obviously never met a school shooter. How anyone could forgive the gunman is beyond me. But perhaps, Republicans, the Christian Right, take this quote a bit too literally. They turn the other cheek by offering more children to be slaughtered. If only they would do what Jesus would do, maybe then they would remove guns from the streets, ban assault rifles, and permit children to grow up. After all, Jesus allegedly loved children. Didn’t he? At least that’s what the nuns taught me in school.

I miss you!