Halloween

Dear Dad,

On Friday night, Kati walked into G3’s room and found him curled up on his beanbag chair, a blanket pulled up to his chin, and Billy Joel playing softly on the cd player you bought him. When she asked him if he was okay, he responded, “I just miss him so much.” Tears glistened in his eyes and Kati held him until he felt better. Kati didn’t need to ask who he was referring to. The Billy Joel music made it apparent. G3 doesn’t bring you up much in conversation, not like I do, but maybe the pain of not having you around is still too sharp, and his way of dealing with it is to lock it up inside. But he obviously does still think about you, your death having left a chasm of emptiness inside of him. He misses you — as I do — and the holidays emphasize your absence. Even though we only spent one Halloween with you when he was two — the year Hurricane Sandy canceled Halloween in New Jersey, but not New York City — you’re just as much wrapped up in that holiday as any other. Every year meant pumpkin picking and apple picking and spending time with you in the fall. We don’t have that any more. Your death has altered the way we prepare for Halloween, and it’s hard not to think of you and miss you and all the fun times we used to have. 

Yesterday, G3 participated in an in-school tournament. His school combined with another ATA Taekwondo school down in Princeton. Since it was only two schools participating, it was a small field of competitors — G3’s tournament team and a couple of kids from the other school. It was so small, that boys and girls combined for forms and weapons, but they did separate by gender for sparing. We woke up early to travel down to Princeton and not surprisingly we were the first from G3’s team to arrive. I got the family gene for promptness, arriving early instead of on-time. Plus, G3 likes to have time to warm up and stretch. The warmer his muscles, the hire he can kick.

Usually, G3 doesn’t not compete in combat sparring. His school doesn’t train him as hard in that as they do in traditional sparring and since each event costs extra…well, we don’t exactly have money to spend on events that G3 is not well-prepared for. But the tournament yesterday was one fee regardless of how many events, so at the last minute we encouraged G3 to do all of them, including combat. Why not, the purpose of the tournament was to have fun.

G3 did exceptionally well. He placed first in each event. Even though the field was small, it felt good to win, but he also felt bad, especially after sparring. He had to fight his friends and beating them didn’t feel as good as beating strangers. You would have been proud of him, not only for winning but for his sportsmanship. He accepted his medals with a smile, and thanked the judges, but he was humble in his victories. He didn’t gloat and not wanting to hurt his friends’ feelings, he didn’t wear his medals.

After the tournament, G3’s Taekwondo instructor hosted a trunk-or-treat party for the kids. It was fun and G3 was super excited to wear his costume. Once again, he wanted to be a character plucked from literature. You’d have laughed, calling me an “English snob” for introducing G3 to Edgar Allan Poe at such a young age. But G3 is enthralled with Poe’s dark side. Last year, he and I read Masque of the Red Death. It was a chilling tale, and sadly prophetic. (You can read G3’s essay about Masque of the Red Death here: https://jaegerwrites13.wordpress.com/2020/11/13/11-12-20/ ) 

This year, he made his costume decision later than usual, so instead of getting a jump on it over the summer, Kati didn’t start until late September. And Red Death proved to be particularly challenging because the description in the story wasn’t too detailed. Besides, googling it generated lots of hits which only demonstrated how broadly Red Death had been interpreted. The costume ideas were plentiful and no two looked alike. But G3 had a clear indication in his overly creative mind of what he believed Red Death should look like. However, clearly conveying the picture in his head to Kati wasn’t exactly easy. As a result, I think this was the hardest costume Kati ever made. She lost many hours of sleep and nearly divorced me and disowned G3, but in the end G3 looked amazing. His red cape looked royal, and his vest — half read, half white with the outline of skulls and skeletons — was sharp. The red tunic and black skin tight stretch pants added a bit of historic authenticity. G3’s favorite accessory was the black asymmetrical cummerbund. To accent the look, we ordered him an ascot and it was my job to learn how to properly tie it. I wish you were here to see him. You’d have enjoyed his excitement. As always, G3 played the role brilliantly, his eyes taking on the seriousness of death, and he walked silently, as if stalking anyone and everyone he encountered. 

We brought candy to the trunk-or-treat but we didn’t have time after the tournament to decorate the car. When G3’s friend’s young brother came over for candy I asked him what his favorite was. He said Milky Way and I felt the tears building, threatening to spill over. I told him to take as many as he wanted, somehow it seemed right considering his favorite chocolate was the same as yours.

This afternoon we drove to Bridgewater so G3 could go trick-or-treating with a friend. He and J made a good pair. G3 as Red Death and J as a skeleton. It’s as if Red Death inadvertently killed someone while out getting candy. The boys had a great time and scored quite a haul. For a kid who absolutely hates to walk, G3 covered quite a bit of ground as he always does if candy is involved. After nearly three hours of going house to house the boys dumped out their candy and traded with each other. G3 giving J Twix in return for peanut butter cups. Unlike in former years, G3 did not separate out all the Milky Ways. Without you, he has no one special to give them to.

I miss you!