District Tournament

Dear Dad,

Today was bittersweet. I haven’t stopped missing you since you died, but today, not having you here was particularly hard. In February of 2020, you couldn’t come to G3’s taekwondo tournament out in Pennsylvania. You and Mom were getting ready for your cruise through Patagonia and you didn’t want to go to a crowded venue that might be crawling with gems. You didn’t want to get sick before you left because that might have ruined your trip. (You had no idea that there would be worse germs on the boat, germs that would not only ruin your trip but end your life.) The day of the tournament you texted G3 on his tablet, “Good luck pal. I’ll be with you in spirit.” None of us had a clue how foreshadowing your words would prove to be.

In that February tournament, G3 did exceptionally well. It was by far his best tournament to date. He came home with three medals: second in forms, third in weapons, and third in sparring. Following the tournament, he called you. He couldn’t wait to tell you about how well he did — so well that he ended up on the point board in New Jersey for all three events. That was when he started to talk about the possibility of qualifying for the District Championships which is held in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. You promised you would be there, nothing would prevent it. Except death. Death broke all of your promises. 

The 2020 season ended up getting cut short because of COVID. All remaining tournaments were canceled. This year, the entire 2021 season was also canceled. But the American Taekwondo Association (ATA) decided to hold Districts this year for all the competitors who qualified last year. Surprisingly, G3’s performance in that one tournament was enough to qualify him for the three events in which he won medals.

Oh how I wish you were still here. You would have booked a hotel room the minute G3 told you about it. If you were alive you would have kept your promise and you would have been there to cheer G3 on. Going to Lancaster would have made you happy. I still remember when you took me there as a kid and I learned about the Amish and we went to Hershey Park. We also went to the Anderson pretzel factory. I still remember eating the big fat pretzel after our tour.

I wonder if G3 was feeling your absence this week as much as I was. All week, I cursed God. How could he do this to you? To G3? But G3 doesn’t wear his emotions the way I do. He keeps them close and doesn’t talk about how he feels. But a few days ago he took out the last big Lego set that you bought him. It is a ship from the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It has over 2,000 pieces and once upon a time the plan had been for the two of you to do it together. I think Legos are his way of trying to stay connected with you. He worked on the ship all day on Friday and he would have finished it, except we had to get on the road. We wanted him to get a good night sleep and we didn’t want him to feel stressed or anxious the morning of the competition, so we got a cheap hotel room not far from the venue. 

This morning we took G3 out for breakfast but he only ate one pancake. He couldn’t eat more. Nerves were tearing apart his stomach. “Thank you,” he said, pushing his plate away, signaling he was done. Usually, I get upset when he orders food and doesn’t finish it, but I understood. The anxiety was too much. We got to the tournament early. G3 had so much nervous energy he couldn’t sit still and so he started to warm up. He did some calisthenics and ran through both his traditional form and weapon (Oh-sung-do or one handed sword) form a serval times. He also practiced some of the more challenging moves in his form, the ones that sometime trip him up or throw off his balance.

As the boys gathered on the mat I started to feel increasingly worried. Nervous. So many of the competitors wore uniforms that said “State Champion” or “District Champion” on their backs. The competition would be fierce, the toughest G3 had ever faced. My fear was that he wouldn’t do well and that a finish toward the bottom of the pack would discourage him. It’s not that I didn’t think he was good. But seeing so many champions made me wonder if they might all be better. I should have had more faith in my son. I think you would have had more faith in him than I did.

Even though G3 said he was nervous, he looked completely calm on the mat. For traditional forms, the judges called him up to perform second. There was a time he didn’t do all that well if he were in the first three to perform. If you remember, the way it works is three competitors do their form and then the judges call the three of them up to give their scores. After that, each person gets their score immediately after they perform. When you first watched G3 do a form a couple of years ago, you commented that it looked like a dance — rhythmic and graceful. That’s true, but watching closely, you can also see how deadly some of those moves could be if used in a fight. Today, G3’s form looked crisp and strong, perhaps one of his best performances. When the first three boys were given their scores, G3 and the boy who went third tied. I began to hope that G3 might actually place. Throughout the course of the competition only one boy scored better. Which at the end left, not a two way, but a three way tie for second. G3 and the other two boys had to do their form again. I was terribly nervous watching. But G3 did amazing and the judges agreed. He ended up in second place. His smile would have made you so happy.

In weapons, G3 also did well. Usually the kids who do nunchucks or the staff usually score highest. But today, G3 placed second. Two medals — not bad. As for sparring, he lost the first round, but while he’s been working hard on his forms this year, he hasn’t sparred much. The pandemic hasn’t allowed it.

Also, while second place is awesome, it wasn’t enough to qualify for the World Championship. Only the first place finishers move on. But there’s always next year — maybe. I suppose this pandemic has taught me that isn’t always the case. 

If you had been here, you would most definitely have shared in G3’s excitement. After the tournament, you would have taken us all out to lunch or dinner to celebrate, like you did when G3 competed in the Pinewood Derby World Championship. My guess is you would have taken us to The Miller Inn. Oh how you loved that restaurant when we went to Lancaster all those years ago. It’s still there. I looked online. I couldn’t resist. And while we ate, smiling and happy, you would have reminisced to G3 about our trip to Lancaster when I wasn’t much older than he is now. That’s the ending to the day I wanted. I thought about you all day and I can’t tell you how sad I felt, in the middle of all this happiness, because you weren’t here to share it with us.

You would have been so proud of your grandson.

And you were right about one thing. There is no doubt in my mind that you were with G3 in spirit.  

I miss you!