Day 510

It’s been 67 days since I last wrote in my Pandemic Diaries. (Yes, you heard from me daily for a month, but that was different. That was about fun stuff. The diaries are different. They’re about death, its aftermath, and a virus turning the world upside down.) I honestly thought when I last wrote that I was done. On June first I wrote about NJ tossing aside its mask mandate and doing away with capacity limits. Everyone was talking about a return to normalcy which absolutely gutted me. Now — thanks to the Delta Variant — here we are, just over two months later, and Governor Murphy has brought back the mask mandate for schools. As the spouse of a teacher, I applaud this. I think it is wise. But there are parents who are angry. I don’t understand why. These are the same parents where were bitching and complaining that they lost their free babysitters. They wanted to go back to work. They wanted someone else to care for their kids. They wanted to abdicate that responsibility. And they’ve gotten that. The babysitters are back. And yet it still isn’t enough. They want to unmask their kids because they think this virus is a game. They think it’s a joke or a conspiracy. I have no sympathy for these parents. If they don’t like rules then they should quit their jobs and keep their kids home. Because in their homes they won’t need masks. I’m done with people. If you don’t give a crap about other people, you don’t belong in a public school setting. If you don’t want to keep everyone safe, if you don’t want to do what’s best for the majority, then send your kid elsewhere. I don’t want your kid infecting my spouse. 

Seriously, what the hell happened while we were on the road. Its like we hit a time warp somewhere in our travels. We left and it was 2021, yet we get home and we’re back in 2020. Cases are surging in much of the country — especially states ruled by Republican Governors. Hospitals are once again reaching capacity. But this time around it’s different. Now kids are getting sick and some of them are also landing in the hospital. Why are so many people refusing to get vaccinated? Stupidity alone can’t be the answer, can it? Eighteen months ago old people were dying, but good old selfish America, still hanging tight to the myth of “rugged individualism,” didn’t care. They watched the numbers grow exponentially and still they demanded their freedom, their right to infect and kill their elderly neighbors. But kids are cute and innocent. Surely, we’d band together to protect them — right? HA! We seem just as eager to sacrifice kids to COVID. I mean look at that dude down in Florida. What is his issue with masks? How can anyone have so much hatred toward a piece of cloth.

This morning I woke up at my mother’s house in Queens. As I do every morning that I am not on the road, I took a long walk. And since I was in Glendale, that walk took me by the cemetery. Ever since Dad got sick, when I reach it, I put my book down and take a long hard look through the green cemetery fence. It’s almost reflex now. I had gotten into the habit after Dad died of counting fresh graves. Then, for a long while I didn’t see any. Occasionally, I’d see one. Let’s face it. Even without COVID, death is inevitable. Graves will be dug, virus or no virus. But today, for the first time in ages, I saw multiple graves. Three to be exact. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. Three dead from cancer. Or some other tragedy. Whatever the reason, the fact that I have to write graves as a plural seems ominous. 

Also, my son’s taekwondo instructor is once again requiring all parents — regardless of vaccination status — to wear masks. This made me very happy. But again, two months ago, he had gladly kicked the mandate aside. To bring it back, things must be getting bad again. How bad will they get? With the Delta variant, people who have been vaccinated are apparently contagious. Which means a vaccinated adult can infect a child. And what about the Lambda variant lurking on the horizon. Some studies indicate that vaccines many not hold up against it. 

This return to normalcy that everyone cheered 67 days ago is starting to fray. How far will it go? How many more people will die? Will schools manage to stay open? Will teachers be forced to work overtime to prepare virtual lessons for students who get sick?  Teachers were fed up last year. They worked more than ever before and got shit on by parents and politicians. I can’t imagine many of them will excitedly worked more overtime especially since better pay won’t be part of the deal. 

Speaking of schools, we — my spouse and I — have opted to keep G3 home for another semester. We won’t commit to a whole year. After all, we’d like to see G3 back in real school, back with his peers, back in place where he can also learn music and a foreign language. But as important as socialization is for kids, keeping him safe is our priority. We will do everything we can to keep him involved in taekwondo and Boy Scouts so that he isn’t completely isolated. But we can’t yet trust that schools will be as safe as we’d like them to be. As for his academics, he won’t lose out. Okay, maybe in science, but I’ve learned this summer not to underestimate the power of G3’s curiosity. I am fairly confident that G3 is solidly on grade level — even in science. And when he does finally return to real school, he won’t have to play catch-up. The big question is when will he return. We’d like to be in January, but we’re prepared for another full year of homeschooling if necessary.

I am now in Long Island with Mom. G3 is in Jersey. He has a tournament in a couple of weeks and after taking so much time off he needs to train if he’s going to be ready to compete. Plus, he has a Boy Scout meeting that he doesn’t want to miss. If all goes well, he’ll be out here late next week. In the meantime, I have to help Mom clear out the house. I’ve been in a bitter, cranky, and angry mood since I got back from our road trip. I have only a month left in the one place that has always brought me happiness and I have to spend it getting it ready to sell. What am going to do from now on when New Jersey depresses me so much that getting out of bed is difficult? Where will I go when I’m miserable and need to recharge? I don’t know how I’m going to get though this next month. All I want to do is cry. Mom and I went to the beach today and I didn’t even want to go swimming. I sat in a chair and read a book, holding onto it as if it were the only thing that might prevent me from having a total breakdown.