Day 372

My son has completed the fifth grade curriculum. Therefore, starting this week, we will operate only on a four day work week. Four days of classes and one day to go out and do something fun. Today, my spouse had off from work so we headed into Pennsylvania to go hiking in Wissahickon Park. It was a gorgeous day to be out — sunny and warm. I started the hike in a sweatshirt, and after ten minutes, I stripped down to my tee-shirt. G3 had fun. We stopped periodically so he could explore. During our move, I found my old binoculars which I gave him for bird watching. He enjoyed sitting on boulders and looking out at the river, studying the birds. He also found a rope that swung out over the water. He grabbed on, took a running start, and for a moment, as he flew over the water, I had a vision of him splashing into the river. But he didn’t. He held on tight and managed to stay dry each time.

Despite having a good hike and spending time with my son, it was a rough and depressing day. A year ago, Dad first got sick. The Covid symptoms started in his stomach, and by dinner time, he couldn’t eat anything. When Dad texted me to say he felt nauseous, I experienced a moment of acute fear. Never in my life had I ever felt so terrified. I knew in that moment it was definitely Covid, and I dreaded the worst. My fears, unfortunately, were not ill founded. 

As if fate really wanted to taunt me, I started the day with a rejection email. Usually, I avoid calls for submissions that revolve around themes. But this one call had the theme F**k 2020. How could I not submit. I sent in an essay about my dad. In the rejection email, the editor told me my piece wasn’t selected because their were other essays and stories that were more in line with the theme, pieces that more strongly conveyed the misery of 2020. Seriously, I sent in an essay about Dad’s death and the awful aftershocks that still rock the family a year later. What could make the year more terrible than the death of a loved one? I took this rejection far more personally than I usually do. It really hurt. Not only was my writing not good enough, my loss didn’t measure up. Someone else’s misfortune was more important than mine. More meaningful. And of all days to have the essay rejected — today was rough.

Mom also had a hard morning. Between coming up on the one year anniversary of the worst experience of our lives and having to prepare for his funeral, it’s been too much for her. The emotional toll is crushing.

Easter is in less than two weeks. I’m not looking forward to it, not even a little. I was able to muster up a bit of holiday spirit around Christmas time for my son, but for Easter, it won’t be possible. Everything about Easter reminds me of Dad, which only exacerbates his absence.

Tomorrow, my son and I will be starting the Hunger Games in school. I’m really looking forward to it. I think it will be a fun book to teach. There’s so much to discuss, so much to pull apart. At least teaching my son will help somewhat to focus my thoughts away from Dad and the events that transpired a year ago. 

What I’d really like to do is go to sleep tonight and not wake up until April is over. After making such a fuss about my son and I both being able to give a eulogy at Dad’s funeral, I’m suffering from writer’s block. I don’t know what to say. I’ve been eulogizing Dad for a year now. I’ver written pages upon pages about him. How to I shave that all down to five or six hundred words. How do I encapsulate it all? I thought writing a eulogy for my grandmother was difficult. I had such little material to work with. But now I’m realizing having too little to work with is far easier than having too much. I need one story to convey how special he was, and I’m not quite sure which story will say it best.