Day 308

It was a year ago — last Martin Luther King Day — that my son saw his grandfather for the last time. We drove to Queens on Saturday afternoon after our taekwondo classes. By the time we got on the road, it was snowing. By the time we reached the bridge it was coming down hard — and I hate driving in the snow. I drove slowly, and luckily we arrived at my parents’ house safely. As always my son was excited to see his grandparents. On Sunday, Dad took us all to see the new Jumanji movie. It wasn’t a movie I had any interest in. Usually, when Dad took my son to the movies I stayed home and wrote or took a walk. But that afternoon, at the last minute, I changed my mind. I couldn’t explain why. Maybe some intuitive sense knew it would be the last outing I’d ever take with Dad. I’m glad I went. The movie was better than I expected. When we left on Monday morning, as soon as I pulled away from the house — Dad was waving at my son and making his usual funny faces — my son said, “I miss them already.” I smiled, and said, “I know, but we’ll see them again soon. I promise.” But I was wrong. It was a promise I couldn’t keep. If only I had known, I would have turned around and let my son play hooky from school for a week. 

A couple nights ago, I had a dream about Dad. He showed up, smiling and when I saw him I exclaimed, “But you’re dead.” He looked hurt, disappointed, and responded, “No, I’m not.” Not really believing him, I reached into my pocket and said, “Then I guess you want your wallet back.” (He had recently bought a new one, and mine was really old and worn, so when he died I asked Mom if I could have it.) I held it out to him, but he shook his head and then disappeared.

On Saturday, my son competed in a virtual tournament — the first of the 2021 season. He still does not enjoy classes as much as he once did. Even live classes aren’t the same as when he had friends to talk to, joke around with, and spar against. Most of the times, if he takes the kids’ class there is maybe on other student in class with him. Sometimes he takes the adult classes with me, and well, he already feels like he spends too much time with his mother. Anyway, it’s the competition he enjoys most. The tournaments that drive him. So I’m glad they are having the tournaments virtually. They may not have the same energy, the same level of excitement, but it’s still something to look forward to, something to keep his spirit from getting crushed by the pandemic. And he did well. He placed second in forms and third in weapons.

We found a house to rent in Middlesex. It’s small, but the entire inside has just been renovated — new carpet, new appliances, fresh paint. If I had my choice of where to live, Middlesex would not even be the top fifty. But it’s only for a year, a place to live until we find something in a place we like more. And I’m finally getting out of this condo, which means I can leave all the misery behind me. I will be walking away from the condo with a smile that will spin into better things to come.