Day 231

Halloween has always been one of my son’s favorite holidays. He loves dressing up and becoming his favorite literary, historical, and movie characters — Beowulf, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Abe Lincoln, Dumbledore, Mad-Eye Moody, Huck Finn. This year, he planned to be Lupin — a werewolf — because the full moon fell on Halloween. For years, he had looked forward to this Halloween. For years, he talked excitedly about it. But it’s 2020, the year that sucked all joy and pleasure out of life. Everything he’s looked forward to this year has been killed, destroyed, or cancelled. True Halloween wasn’t officially canceled, but what my son enjoys is getting together with friends and going trick-or-treating in a group. We didn’t think that would be safe. Nor did we think it safe to be ringing bells and getting within six feet of strangers. Maybe we’re the awful parents who denied our kid something he loved. Maybe we played it too cautiously. But for a family that knows all too well how deadly the virus is, we weren’t taking any chances.

In an attempt to cheer our son, my spouse drove out from New Jersey for the weekend. She arrived Friday night, in time for the Halloween event at the local library. My son had carved a pumpkin, along with two dozen other kids, and their pumpkins were on display. For the event he cobbled together a costume. A few weeks ago, when we were in New Jersey, he asked us if we would take him to Spirit Halloween — one of his favorite stores. Since he wasn’t going to have a real Halloween this year he asked us if he could get a mask. Happily we agreed, buying him the skeleton mask he picked out along with the witchdoctor’s hat — a black top hat decorated with bones and feathers. On Friday, he wore that along with his Mad-Eye Moody vest and coat and his dragon cane. He looked good. Not bad for a last minute costume. He was happy to dress up, but the moment was short and then we home.

Yesterday, on Halloween, we went to the beach in the afternoon and practiced our staff form for taekwondo. The beach is a good place to practice because there is lots of room and we are far less likely to accidentally break a window. On the way back to the house, we stopped and bought candy — more candy because my mom had already given him a Costco bag of chocolate — and then we went out for ice cream. Desperately, we tried to ward off the sadness and sorrow that threatened to cloud the day. 

In the evening, three of us cooked a spooky meal — zombie meatloaf, brain mashed potatoes, toxic waste corn, olive eyes, and bloody intestine unraveled cinnamon rolls. My son mashed the potatoes all by himself — Dad would have been proud. He enjoyed the food and afterward we settled down in the living room to watch the Hobbit — his reward for finishing the book. We intended to watch Masque of the Red Death, but a glitch with Amazon prevented us from getting it. It may not have been the best Halloween, but we tried to keep it from being a total bummer. However, when my son went to bed he called me into his room. His eyes were sad and he held out his arms for me to give him a hug. “Mama,” he said, “It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, I just feel really sad.” I held him tight and fought back my own tears. “I know,” I told him. “I’m sad, too. I’m sad about so many things.” How can you be happy when so much of what you love is gone?

Today it rained. What can you do in the midst of a pandemic in the rain but stay at home…inside…again. In an effort to cheer our son, we got Disney Plus. I hate him watching so much television, but he’s been so mopey with little interest in anything else. Once upon a time he loved watching Superhero movies with Dad. Whenever he’d see a trailer for one that was due to be released, he’d turn to me, his eyes glowing, and he’d exclaim, “I’m going to see that one with Grandpa.” I’m not sure who loved Marvel movies more — my dad or my son — but they both loved the movies most when they got to watch them together. I’ve always hated superhero movies. I’ve never been good at suspending reality long enough to enjoy them. But Dad is dead, and I realized my son needed someone new to watch the movies with. Dad wouldn’t want him to watch them alone. So lately, we’ve been getting Marvel movies out of the library. “I don’t know what happened to you,” my son said earlier this week when we were watching Ironman. “It’s like Grandpa died and did something to your brain. I can’t believe you like Marvel.” Yeah, something like that. I chucked when he said it. And maybe Dad did do something to my brain because I’m not hating them as much as I used to. Dare I admit I’ve even enjoyed a few. But the library doesn’t always have what my son wishes to watch, and the library is closed on Sundays, which is why we got Disney Plus. We then spent the afternoon watching movies. And Thor turned out to be one of those movies I kinda liked. I’m sure I’ll never replace Dad. Nor would I want to. But if watching Marvel movies with my son gives him bit of happiness in this otherwise dark world, it’s worth it. And the added bonus of Disney Plus is we’ll get to watch National Geographic documentaries. Yep, those of you who know me knew there had to be a catch. Didn’t you?

My glimmer of good news this week was my interview with Newton Literary which is posted on their website. Back in the spring they published my short story “The Treehouse,” which is an excerpt from one of my novels for which I’ve been searching — unsuccessfully — for an agent. If you haven’t seen it already, you can find the interview here: https://www.newtownliterary.org/single-post/from-a-newtown-literary-contributor-elizabeth-jaeger