Day 107

Today was supposed to be a happy day. It’s the day we had been looking forward to back in February, back before the pandemic struck and my world spiraled out of control. This morning, we were supposed to wake up before dawn, scramble into a taxi, and catch a flight down to Orlando. Today, was supposed to be the start of our Disney adventure. Instead, Dad is dead, and even though Disney will reopen someday, Dad won’t get to go. We won’t be able to go with him. Disney will always remind me of what we have lost, what this pandemic has cost us.

My son spent the entire day yesterday putting together two Star Wars Lego sets. He had no interest in doing anything else. He did them alone for the first time —without Dad — but once the AT-At was completed he sounded happy. He explained the finished product to me and Mom with more enthusiasm than he has expressed in a really long time. Legos, though a constant reminder of his grandfather, brought him a bit of happiness, or at least contentment.

After dinner, I convinced him to try a zoom taekwondo class with me. I had hoped having someone to do the class with would give him a little more interest, a bit more motivation. But I was wrong. He did the warms-ups, but as soon as we started learning new material he walked away. “I’m bored,” he told me, and that was the end of it. He needs something. He needs to interact with other people. He needs something active to do, but with much of the world still shut down that’s not going to happen face-to-face for some time. The more he rejects interaction via a virtual world, the more I worry about him retreating too far into himself. But I won’t push taekwondo on him. I won’t push anything that’s supposed to be fun because I don’t want to turn him against something he once enjoyed. My fear though is if he stays away from it for long he won’t want to return, he will lose his interest completely. And that’s really upsetting because just before the pandemic struck he had done so well in a tournament.  He had so much potential. And now, he’s bored with it because a screen isn’t the same as a studio.

What angers me is, we sat out for three months. We were told if we did our part, things would open and life could resume. But while we were doing what needed to be done, the South was mocking us and the virus. Now thanks to them, the virus is surging. The virus is winning, and a return to a world in which I could temporarily escape my grief, a world in which I could go out and explore and maybe find some happiness will be postponed indefinitely. People wanted their freedom, they wanted to return to work, they wanted believe people weren’t dying, and now the rest of us are paying because of their selfishness and stupidity. So not only did Trump kill my father, his lack of leadership skills, his incompetence, and his denial of simple science is perpetuating the hell in which my family and I have been living. If things continue with this trajectory, we may not get to Michigan this summer. And my son and I desperately need to get away.

This morning, instead of heading off to Florida for a fun family experience, we returned to New Jersey and the home I hate. Instead of flying into an adventure, I drove over two bridges sitting in awful traffic on the Major Deegan to return to a murky existence. Of course, I was home for less than two hours when the landscapers showed up, right in front of our unit. In order to dull the physical pain I had to blast music. My son was not happy. He wanted to watch a movie. 

Tomorrow we will be heading into Pennsylvania for a camping trip. I am looking forward to another escape into the woods. We bought a canopy for the trip to keep us dry if it rains. But now that we have it, it will probably be sunny. That’s the way my luck seems to operate. While I packed and my spouse cooked and we got things ready for our trip, my son worked on his roller coaster k’nex kit. He put it together all by himself without any help from us. He was so excited about it that he came to get us in the kitchen — dancing and waving his arms — so that he could show us.

I have been promoted to red belt recommended in Taekwondo. It’s another bittersweet milestone, another small accomplishment I wish I could share with Dad. My son tried another zoom lesson today and he hated it, so he’s done. We had talk after the class and he told me it just isn’t any fun. He feels he’s not getting as much out of it as he did in person, which is true, but I tried to argue that something had to be better than nothing. He shook his head, sadness spilling out of his eyes, “No, I want to wait until I can go to real classes again.” Real classes! Yes, that would be wonderful, but how realistic is it to think they might start back up within a year. New York and New Jersey are better than they were three months ago, but the rest of the country is so much worse. Today alone, 2000 Americans died which brings the death toll up to roughly 128,000 people. 

So while I may not be writing daily, I will still be writing. I figure the Pandemic Diaries need to continue in some form until the pandemic ends or covid kills me.