Asperations

Dear Dad,

I’m sorry it’s been awhile since I wrote. I guess I haven’t had much to say, plus work has been keeping me busy. This weekend though, I’ve been thinking about you a great deal. I lost count of how many times I wished I could talk to you, either asking for advice or to tell you what G3’s been up to.

For starters, we watched Aquaman. G3 has seen it at least a half a dozen times, but he wanted to watch it with me. I promised him that I would watch all the DC movies, just like I watched all the Marvel ones. The first time G3 saw Aquaman was when it first came out and you took him to see it in the movies. At the part where Aquaman comments, “I could have just peed on it,” I chuckled. G3 smiled and said, “I remember this part with Grandpa. He laughed and his laugh echoed through the whole theater.” I could almost hear it; your laughter was both loud and unforgettable. I miss it. 

Overall, I enjoyed the movie much more than I expected to. I’ve actually liked all the DC movies more than I thought I would. Knowing how much you loved superhero shows, I thought you’d like to know that. If you were alive, I’d probably still be avoiding them, thinking they were stupid. If you were alive, G3 would be watching them with you and he would have no need for me. Now, even if I still hated them, I’d watch them with G3 because I know he likes them and it’s more fun to watch a movie with someone. It’s more fun when you aren’t alone and when you have someone to talk to about it after the credits roll. I wish I had realized that years ago. Maybe then, we all could have watched them together. 

Ever since I got a job, we’ve been house hunting. I don’t love New Jersey, you know that. I’d rather live elsewhere, but since that isn’t an option at the moment, we’ve been hoping to move to Bridgewater, predominantly so that G3 can go to a better school. The school district here in Middlesex is awful. His English teacher is a waste of space. His science teacher seems lazy and history is taught in a way he finds dreadfully boring. Only his math teacher is challenging him. Plus, we don’t like our landlord. We’re still living with mold and they never fixed the sewage pipe leading out to the street. 

There haven’t been many houses going on the market, but we’re also limited by what we can afford and the section of Bridgewater we prefer. We don’t want to be house poor. My summers are sacred and I need to make sure we still have money to get away–to get out of NJ, even temporarily. Also, Taekwondo isn’t cheap and traveling to tournaments is something we still want to be able to do. Bridgewater is big, but we like the Bradley Gardens area–the section with all the tree streets. It’s near Duke Island Farm, it’s close to Somerville, and the ice cream place G3 likes is within biking distance. It’s the one in Raritan. You took G3 there once, not long before you died. 

In the last month, we put offers in for two houses we liked, but since we didn’t love them, we didn’t go too high with our bid. In both instances, the seller went with other buyers. Every time we put in an offer I told Kati and G3, “It’s up to Dad now. If the house is right, he’ll make sure we get it.” I figure you can see things we can’t, and you’ll make sure we don’t make a mistake. Maybe that’s why the other houses didn’t work out. Deep down, I think even we know they weren’t where we wanted to be.

On Saturday (then again on Sunday), we finally looked at a house that we all really like. It’s on Walnut, which I would like to think is a good omen, because walnuts always make me think of my grandmother. As a kid, I was always so impressed that she could crack them with her bare hands. I used to think she was the strongest woman in the world, stronger than Wonder Woman. True, the house isn’t perfect, but is anything? Yet, it has many of the things we want and need—storage space, an extra bedroom so I can have a study, and a decent size yard. What do you think about it? Is it right for us? Is this the one we are meant to have? I know education was always very important to you, so I know you would also want G3 in a better school. 

After much thought, we put in an offer. Before doing so, Kati called her father for advice. I wish I could have called you as well. Even Kati said, “This is a two dad situation.” I was close to tears when I responded, “At least your Dad could give you some input, now the fate of what happens is up to my dad.” If it’s the right one, can you help make sure we get it?

In the afternoon, we drove up to Grover Cleveland’s birthplace. G3 has started to think about doing an Eagle Project for Boy Scouts. Since he is interested in history, specifically presidential history, he would like to do something at Cleveland’s house. It was the very first President’s house he went to. The house that started it all. (Now he’s been to roughly twenty-six presidents’ houses.) The winter he turned six, I took him there on a Saturday afternoon because I like history and I thought it would be fun. I was right. G3 had a great time. The tour guide introduced him to games from Cleveland’s day and he spent the afternoon playing with them. To think that his love of Presidents was born out of a day of playing antique games.

Anyway, we went to scope out the property on Sunday to see if there was any need for renovations. The place is falling into disrepair, so there are definitely things G3 could do, projects he can suggest. Now the question is, will the NJ park service be interested in permitting him to do his Eagle Project there? If they say no, it will disappoint him greatly. When we got home, he sent an email to the address on the website asking who he should contact to inquire about a service project? Hopefully, they will get back to him with a name and an email address. I know how much Boy Scouts meant to you, and how badly you wanted G3 to earn the rank of Eagle. I wish you were alive so G3 could have called you to discuss his project ideas. You would have been so excited to listen to him. I’m sure you would have had wonderful ideas to share, suggestions of things he could consider. It’s not fair that you didn’t get to live long enough to participate in these moments, these events that would have meant so much to you.

I got several more agent rejections this week. It had been awhile since I sent out queries because I’ve been busy teaching. But I finally had time, but I guess I should have spent that time more wisely. How many hours have I wasted over the years begging people to take a look at my work, praying incessantly they’d be interested in what I write? And they never are. What is it about me that makes everyone say no? l honestly thought that after you died you might be able to help, but I guess I was wrong. Is there an afterlife, somewhere that you can still keep an eye on everything that’s happening to those you loved? Or is heaven simply a fairy tale? This fall, I asked you for an agent and you sent me a job in a really rough school instead. Why? How can this job be better for me than a successful career in something I enjoy?

Our realtor has been in touch. She submitted our offer on the house. Now the waiting begins. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life waiting for things that never happen. Will this just be another lost aspiration?

I miss you!