Aunt

Dear Dad,

Aunt Alberta died last week. I guess you already know that. As always, death is sad, but what complicates the sorrow is the betrayal. Still, it’s hard not to think back on the good times. I remember how close you once were to your brother and his wife. The four of you — mom included — would go out to dinner and the movies. You’d play cards late at night after my brother and I had gone to bed. And how many holidays did we spend at their house. Even after Uncle Frank died, we continued to see them. And when I was ten, and my grandmother was dying, my brother and I stayed with them out in Cutchogue. They took care of us, because I guess that’s what family does. Through the years, you — we — went to all their weddings, christenings, and birthday parties. I even went on a few winter vacations with my cousin. We were close.

But all that came to a screeching halt when that branch of your family didn’t come to my wedding. I was hurt. But you were enraged. I appreciated your anger at the time, the fact that you stood up for me, but now that I’m a parent, I understand it. When someone hurts your child, the pain is far worse than when they hurt you. As a parent, you want what is best for your child, you don’t want them brushed aside or discriminated against. I’m not even sure discrimination is the correct word. At the time they gave you so many excuses. It was my cousin’s birthday. They had to work. New Jersey was too far away. Yeah, that last one was a lie and you called them all out on it when another cousin got married at the exact same place and they all showed-up. You highlighted their hypocrisy, charging up to them and announcing, “I guess New Jersey isn’t too far after all.” You wouldn’t even sit with them. During the ceremony, you marched across the aisle to sit with the bride’s family instead. Even during the cocktail hour, you ignored the family that couldn’t make the same drive for me. 

After snubbing me, Aunt Alberta still sent Christmas cards and birthday cards. When G3 was born she sent a gift. But we never reconciled. Your anger never cooled, and since you had my back when the family refused to support me, I wasn’t about to resume friendly relations. I wonder, though, will the feud and anger continue in the afterlife — if there is an afterlife? Or does death somehow force you to see past the wrongs we do to each other in life? Have you found your brother? Have you spoken to Aunt Alberta? What was the reunion like? Yes, these were the questions that kept me up last night. When you die, do you find it easier to forgive, to let go of anger, pain, and pride? 

I was hurt. Extremely hurt, when my family didn’t show up. Some of them didn’t even have the decency to RSVP.  But today, in New York City, I felt compelled to walk passed their former house — the one they lived in decades ago. The house they lived in when I was a young child. And instead of anger, I allowed myself to remember joy. The Thanksgiving dinners we shared. The excitement I always felt when we visited. There were so many good times, so many happy memories — and for the moment that’s what I’m choosing to focus on.

Mom asked me if I was going to go to the funeral. I said no. It’s been so long, I would have nothing to say, except to convey my condolences.. The world has changed and we’ve all changed — in opposing ways — with it. Besides, no one came to your memorial mass. I wonder, if you had lived, would you go?

This weekend, G3 and I visited Mom. Since she couldn’t get here for his birthday, she wanted to be able to celebrate with him. We left yesterday after taekwondo. Oh, we definitely made the right decision switching schools. They added a new forms class for black belt students which is great. The instructors gave G3 some really valuable feedback on his technique. And the sparring in class is amazing. I love that they focus on tournaments not testing. It falls in line with my thoughts on education in general. If you teach kids what they need to know in life, then the tests should be a breeze. If you focus on testing, well, then the kids might not get everything they need to succeed in life. Yesterday, G3 had his regular class followed by leadership. In the leadership class they focused on XMA, which is something G3 has been wanting to learn, something that wasn’t taught at his former school. I don’t know if he will put in the time needed to practice on his own in order to be able to compete in XMA, but at least the option is there if he wishes to pounce on it.

When we got to Mom’s I took her grocery shopping. She asked G3 what he wanted for his second birthday dinner and he said pot roast. I don’t think she’s made that since she last made it for you. I got there too late for her to make it after we went shopping, but she got G3 cheese steaks which he might have liked even more. Today, she made the pot roast — a hearty dinner before we had to head back home. Of course, she also got him an ice cream cake so that we could sing happy birthday. G3’s favorite part of the weekend was opening presents. He loved the gifts she gave him. All he wants lately are Legos, so she got him a set — more than 1,000 pieces, which he put together before we came home. She also got him the constellation tee shirt he wanted along with a Cancer sweatshirt. Even though he is a Capricorn, he wanted Cancer. Why?  Because that was your sign and after you died, he realized that the pattern of freckles on his forearm arm are practically identical to the Cancer constellation. Plus, in Boy Scouts, he is in the crab patrol.

I wish you were here. Mom’s knee is so much worse. The pain is excruciating. She can barely walk. She desperately needs surgery. I tried to talk her into it, but at the moment, New York has canceled all elective surgeries — again — due to COVID. I told her it won’t last, and when the ban lifts she should be ready to see a doctor. I don’t know if she will. And if she has surgery, you won’t be here to take care of her — which might be part of the reason she is putting it off. I promised I’d take her in for the surgery and pick her up, but I can’t be in New York full time. I can’t be in two places at once and all of G3’s activities are here in New Jersey. If we can move to a new place, in a better school district, that would make things easier. I could be in New York while he was in school. But at the moment, we can’t find anything where we want to move that’s in our price range. Besides, with Omicron, I’m not ready to send G3 back to school anyway. With so many kids getting sick, it’s not worth the risk. 

I miss you!