Decisions

Dear Dad,

I had gotten so used to you being here that sometime I feel like I simply can’t function properly any more. How many times had I called you up asking for parenting advice or to calm G3 when he didn’t like a decision I made? 

G3 joined the Boy Scouts and now he wants to dive into every activity. If it weren’t for COVID, I would completely support that. If COVID wasn’t still infecting and killing people I’d have already signed him up for the upcoming camping trip and summer camp. But with COVID still lingering, I am not going to send him to summer camp, and I don’t exactly think it’s safe to go on a weekend camping trip either. Boys will be sleeping in close quarters — how do I know none of them are sick? Yes, things are opening up and we’re being told that everything will be done safely, but in America business carries more weight than science. Are campsites opening up because they are truly safe, or because the government decided they’d put the health of businesses before the actual health of people? School sports resumed play after being told it was safe, but kids are spreading the virus to each other on the courts and the ice. And if it was really safe, if there was absolutely no danger of a kid getting sick, would they have parents sign a COVID waiver? Probably not. 

This past year, I have gone above and beyond trying to keep G3 safe. I pulled him out of school. We lived practically in isolation for months. We don’t eat in restaurants. We don’t go to playgrounds. There are days we are ready to kill each other but still we push through because him being home with me means he’s less likely to catch the virus. I admit I might go to the extreme. Parents — some parents — think I’m crazy, but I know all too well how deadly the virus is. I know the long lingering effects it can have. Nothing irks me more than hearing people say that for most people the virus isn’t that bad. It hardly effects kids. I’m not a scientist, but I do have questions. For starters, where is the data that proves kids who are exposed and mildly sick today won’t develop complications in the future?

After the Boy Scout meeting this evening, I was speaking to my spouse about camp. I said, “This is where, in my former life, I would call Dad and ask him his opinion. I’d ask him if he thought I was being overprotective or wise.” But then I paused, and fought back the tears, before adding, “But the fact that I can’t call him, the fact that COVID killed him seems the only reassurance I need that I’m not making a mistake.” And it’s not just that you’re dead. My lungs are not what they used to be. I used to be healthy. The odds are, G3 wouldn’t die if he went to camp. But would he end up with a depilating problem? That I can’t answer as confidently. 

He’s going to be angry when I tell him he can’t go. I wish you were here. You were the only one who could reach him when he was upset. You were the only one he would listen to. If you were here, you’d convince him that I was acting in his best interest. You’d promise him summer camp next year. You’d promise to join him on on camping trip when it was safe. 

But if you hadn’t died, would you also think I was being too protective? To severe in the COVID rules I live by?

Last year, on this day, you sent G3 a picture of penguins in Patagonia and you were looking forward to seeing the Falkland Islands. I was looking forward to hearing you talk about it, but you died before you could tell me anything about your trip. A year ago, you went on a cruise and it killed you. I wish you hadn’t gone. And next year, I don’t want to be sitting here thinking, I wish G3 hadn’t gone to camp. Because camp will be there next year — and the year after and the year after that— and he’ll still have plenty of time to earn enough merit badges. 

The truth is, I can read countless articles and listen to the doctors and scientists on television, or listen to other parents’ perspectives, but ultimately, it’s my own experiences that will speak the loudest. How can I ignore a reality I live every day? For many people, COVID is an annoyance. We have not been that lucky.

So many nights I don’t sleep well because in my sleep I’m trying to have a conversation with you and you can’t answer. I fear this might be one of those nights.

I miss you!