Day 129

Yesterday, I asked my son to please shave my head. I handed him the clippers with the number one attachment and told him he was good to go. Since he had cut my hair once before, I figured he didn’t need too much oversight, so I closed my eyes and relaxed into the buzz cut. But then a clump of hair fell onto my leg and the strands of hair looked suspiciously longer than then should have been. Sure enough, my son had removed the attachment so instead of a number once cut, I ended up with a zero cut. It was too late to do anything but laugh. My head was almost entirely shaved at that point. It’s no big deal really. It will grow back. Besides, it’s not the first time it happened. Years ago, the night before I left for Germany, Dad did the same exact thing. He accidentally removed the attachment and cut my hair shorter than I wanted it. Do you have any idea what it’s like going to Berlin looking like a skinhead? At least this time we’re just heading up to P-town. 

After my hair cut we went to the beach. It was hot and humid but the Treasure Beach was blissful. There was hardly anyone there which made it even more of a paradise. While Mom floated in the water she thought about Dad, “I feel guilty enjoying it here without him.” I do too. It’s hard to be there and really enjoy it when I miss him so much. I did have fun playing in the water with my son. He had fun with me flipping him off his raft and examining the fiddler crabs. He handles them gently so as not to hurt them and he was appalled at other kids who hack at them with their shoves, afraid to touch hem with their hands but desperate to capture them. While he looked at the crabs, I practiced my form for taekwondo. I’ve learned the first three lines and at the beach I have plenty of room to run through them. Of course, it thoroughly mortifies my son who gets embarrassed even if there is only one stranger who might see me.

At night, I spoke to my good friend out in Washington. And I know she is a good friend because she doesn’t mind calling me out when I focus only on the bad and neglect to see the good. She pointed out that I’ve been so focused on all the reasons why I feel unlucky that I don’t acknowledge how lucky I am to have my son. She’s right. I mean, I know I’m extremely blessed to have him, but maybe I do need to focus on that more and my failures less.

This morning we left long Island and when we got to Queens I took Mom to run some errands. We went grocery shopping. We — my son, spouse, and I — are heading up to Cape Cod on Saturday for a week. My brother generously allows us to stay in his condo every summer. From Cape Cod we might head over to Michigan. Since Mom will be alone for couple of weeks I wanted to make sure she had enough food in the house. Due to the oppressive heat, combined with the fact that she doesn’t drive, I didn’t want to worry about her attempting to get to the supermarket. After food shopping, we went to the the bank where Mom removed Dad’s name from her accounts. The man we spoke to — whose name also happened to be Gary — was wonderful and very helpful, but it was still sad, erasing Dad’s name and adding mine instead. 

Back in New Jersey, my spouse and I started to talk about what we were packing for our trip. My spouse was concerned. For three months she has been living in her loose fitting comfy elephant yoga pants. They are so comfortable and loose fitting that she didn’t realize she had gained a bit of weight. (Yes, I have her permission to write about it here). The problem — her usual travel pants no longer fit. Luckily, between Dad’s death and my own bout with Covid, I had lost weight. My shorts no longer fit so a month ago my spouse had bought me new ones. She picked them up for me on a Costco run. Figuring that at some point I might end up back at my former weight, I did not dispose of my older pants. These now fit my spouse so she doesn’t have to fret about having clothes to wear. The swapping of clothes has always been one of the advantages to being in a same sex relationship. 

My son really wanted to watch a movie this evening. I really wanted to go to bed early. I was intent on going to bed early, until he suggested that we watch Hamilton again. I had wanted to see it a second time since I enjoyed it so much the first time around. Armed with a little more of the history, my son seemed more interested this evening than he was a few weeks back.

Trump is back to giving his daily Coronavirus briefings. It has nothing to do with the fact that 144,000 Americans are now dead. It has nothing to do with the fact that southern hospitals and morgues are filled to capacity and they had to call in refrigerated trucks to store the corpses. It has nothing to do with the fact that the debate to open schools is getting contentious. Nope! It has to do with the fact that he is plummeting in the polls. People aren’t paying enough attention to him. What really infuriates me is that there was not one person of science included in the briefing. Not one doctor had the opportunity to address the American people. In his speech, Trump had the audacity to say the we had reached a point where we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What? What light is he talking about? Unless he’s talking about the light people allegedly see as they cross over from life to death because lots of people are seeing that light — lately, about 1000 Americans a day.

And let’s take a moment to talk about Portland, Oregon. Federal troops are detaining Americans. They are pulling them into unmarked cars. This is not America people. This is scary. And now Trump is saying he will send troops to Chicago. We are in trouble. I fear that November won’t usher in a Biden Presidency. I fear Trump may try to stage a little coup if he loses.