Book Review: Mosaic by Laura Gaddis

Becoming a mother isn’t supposed to be difficult. At least in novels or in movies the obstacles are few, and happy endings are plentiful. Real life, however, occurs off screen, behind closed doors, and with participants who are not reading from a script. Real life is messy, depressing, and riddled with roadblocks, some more difficult to overcome than others. When my spouse and I decided to have a baby, we knew it would be more challenging and require extra steps that heterosexual couples didn’t have to deal with, but we wanted a baby, so we were willing to do whatever was necessary. I expected it wouldn’t be difficult. Yes, I was getting old, but I was healthy, my diet was good, and exercise was part of my daily routine. I thought I’d get pregnant after one or two inseminations. It took five. And then, once we finally got the pregnancy test results we wanted, other tests were questionable. We were told our child might have a chromosomal abnormality. I cried and felt myself slipping into a depression. It was supposed to be a time of excitement and joy, but instead, I was anxious and concerned, consoling myself by reading medical journals—studies coming out of Europe—that I struggled to comprehend.

Labor was torture. My son exhibited the stubbornness that would come to define his early teenage years. My body—the female body I hated for years—rebelled against me and didn’t behave as it was intended. In short, my son got stuck; my body refused to push him out. So, nearly forty-eight hours after my water sprung a leak, the doctor had to slice my son out of me. It turned out the earlier test was wrong. My son was born perfectly healthy, but there were other concerns. Issues that required him to have surgery at only five months old, and because his head was misshapen, he needed to wear a helmet for five months. At the time, it seemed incredibly unfair that some parents get to bring their children home immediately. That they don’t have to deal with health or medical concerns that need to be addressed before their babies get to leave. What I didn’t consider at the time, was the fact that some parents don’t get to go home with their children at all. That some children are stillborn, or born with complications that require a stay in the NICU.

But this is one of the reasons I love reading, especially memoir. It gives me a glimpse into other people’s lives, their struggles, and the rewards they gained from their perseverance. A consequence of reading is empathy, and the more a book evokes your emotions, the more powerful it is. Recently, I read Mosaic by Laura Gaddis and it was an emotional ride. I shed more than a few tears reading it, and while I could relate to some of what she endured, some of her anguish was beyond my experience.

Gaddis wanted a child. It’s a wish, a dream, that many of us have. But her body, for whatever reason, did not want to comply. Before her first child was born, doctors told Gaddis that the baby had abnormalities that would make it impossible for the child to survive outside her womb. Sadly, the doctors were correct. Gaddis’ daughter was born prematurely, and died shortly after drawing her first breath. The heartbreak was palpable. To love a child, to hold her for such a brief period, and then to go home without her, was beyond tragic. Death is never easy. Grief is oftentimes all encompassing as it threatens to suffocate its victims, but the death of a child is unmatched. How do you move on from such an enormous loss? One of the most moving chapters in Gaddis’ memoir is when she recounts sitting in a support group following her daughter’s death. Slowly, so that we see and hear each of the participants, she tells their stories. Some parents were dealing with a stillborn birth, others with a child who died shortly after he or she was born. Regardless of the circumstances and the individual details, the pain they shared was immeasurable.

After a period of mourning, Gaddis and her husband tried again to have a child. Sadly, their next two pregnancies end in miscarriage. By her fourth pregnancy, Gaddis is plagued with apprehension and fear, emotions that doctors not only failed to quell, but exacerbated. With each visit, the doctors informed her that something new might be wrong with her baby. However, when her daughter was born she was healthy, but premature and physically disabled. What follows is a story of resilience, of parents whose heartwarming dedication to their child ensures that she is happy and capable beyond what the doctors initially believed.

I highly recommend Mosaic, especially for anyone who enjoys an emotional memoir or for parents who enjoy connecting—even through literature—with other parents. Gaddis brilliantly conveys her emotions on every page, and the loving way in which she writes about her children is endearing. You can find Mosaic here.