Spiderman

Dear Dad,

I’m good at crying. I’ve always been really good at crying. If only it were a marketable skill, I would never again have to worry about money. But lately, it’s all I do. I cry when I wake up. I cry myself to sleep. And throughout the day, I think of you and I cry some more. I thought it was supposed to get better, easier with time. But this Christmas felt so much harder than the one last year.

Last night, the day after Christmas, despite swearing to take a hiatus from Facebook, I logged on. It’s like Facebook simply wanted to torment me because the first thing that popped up were my memories, and the first one I saw was the collage I made you and Mom two years ago. It was the last full year you were alive. The last collage I ever made. Seeing it reminds me that there’s so much you are missing. So much that will never be the same. There are twelve pictures in the collage, seven of which were taken out on Long Island, another part of my life that’s over — forever. That collage represented my normal, the normal that COVID and Trump’s lies stole from me. I don’t have a normal to return to. And I’m not exactly happy with the way things are.

On Christmas Eve, we went to Mom’s as we do every year. And Mom tried. She really did. She got a tree and food and gifts for G3. But there is no way to mask the emptiness or to filter out the memories that seem to torment me. I think Mom misses being able to go shopping and buy gifts for G3. Not driving makes things harder for her. You used to take her to Costco and to the outlets in Riverhead, and the both of you would would enjoy picking out things you thought G3 would like. Now, I have to order things online and have them delivered to her. Two years ago — your last Christmas — my brother gave G3 a winter vest that he absolutely loved. He wears it all the time, but he’s outgrowing it. It barely fits. So Mom bought him a new one. Mom also gave him a long sleeve Taekwondo teeshirt, a AC/DC CD that he’s been wanting forever, and an Avenger Lego set. Of course, she’s kept up giving us all money as well, money that goes straight to the bank. Someday, G3 will have nice little sum. 

Middle Gary gave G3 a sexton. Oh, you should have seen the excitement on his face when he opened it. He was thrilled. And the two of them spent time together, while Middle Gary gave him a tutorial on how to use it. You would have smiled to see them talking about science and math. G3 also got a book about Celestial Navigation from his uncle. They were some of the coolest gifts he got this year. Your son always seems to know exactly what to get his nephew. Every Christmas his gifts are thoughtful and totally connect to whatever it is G3 is interested in that year. After dinner, we sang Christmas songs, but I completely fell apart during “Silent Night.” For dessert, we had way too many sweets — ice cream, apple pie, chocolate, cookies — and oh does G3 love the pignoli cookies as much as you did. Mom even made him take some home because he liked them so much.

We didn’t get G3 much this year. As you know, I’m not working which complicates everything. I was worried that G3 was going to be disappointed, but surprisingly, he seemed grateful and happy for everything he did get. And we did get him mostly everything on his list plus a few other things we thought he’d like. Not surprisingly, the Lego sets were his favorite. But he was also very happy with the camping hammock. During our entire trip last summer, at every stop, he mentioned how great it would be to have a hammock. Now, we just need to figure out where to go next summer, and how we’re going to pay for it and he’ll be all set. He can relax as much as he wants — when I’m not driving everyone nuts making sure we can see and do as much as possible. 

After opening presents, G3 spent the rest of the morning putting Lego sets together. I knew he was feeling sad — missing you — as I was and I really wanted to make the day special. G3 has been looking forward to Spiderman: No Way Home for months. I suggested to Kati that perhaps on Christmas Day we might be able to find a theater that wasn’t crowded. While everyone else was gathering with family, we could go to a theater where COVID wasn’t too much of a risk. We drove nearly an hour but we did find a place that was practically deserted. But I still wouldn’t let anyone get popcorn or soda, and G3 was great about keeping his mask on throughout the duration of the movie. 

(SPOILER ALERT — SKIP THE NEXT THREE PARAGRAPHS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE MOVIE) 

The show was spectacular. It was better than Hawkeye. I find it interesting that so many good people are dying. Yeah, Endgame came out before COVID. I think it may have been the last Marvel movie G3 saw with you. And Endgame killed Black Widow, Iron Man, and Captain America. But now in the post-COVID world, it seems Marvel is focusing a great deal on death, loss, and the mourning process. Look at WandaVision. The whole damn snow was about her dealing with her grief. And in Hawkeye, his pain of losing Black Widow was evident. Whereas, Yelena’s grief crystalized as anger directed toward Hawkeye. In Spiderman, he’s dealing with Iron-Man’s death — a relationship that stands out because Iron-Man was the main male role model in Spiderman’s life. Kinda like you were G3’s main male role model, even though you didn’t have a cool suit or drive quite as fast. And in this last movie, Aunt May died. I cried — a lot. So much death. So much sorrow. But is it a coincidence that Marvel is working grief into so many of their plots? Is a reaction to COVID and the realization that loss and grief is something thousands of people can connect to? Or is just me, reading far too much into the stories as I have a tendency of doing? Yeah, it’s probably the last one. I see grief everywhere because it’s still so much a part of me.

What I think you’d have liked most about the movie is the fact that they brought in the other two actors — Toby Maguire and Andrew Garfield — who have played Spiderman. The multiverse opens and Spiderman’s enemies from the previous movies come to find and kill Peter Parker. Tom Holland can’t save the world by himself and so the other two are needed to help him restore peace and order. Since you had seen those movies, you would have understood what was going on far better than I did. But the script was written well enough that even though I hadn’t seen the movies, I never felt lost. However, driving home, I did tell G3 I needed to see the other Spiderman movies. With a sigh of exasperation he said, “I’ve been wanting to see those movies with you but you always said no.” I can be difficult. You know that better than anyone. But with time, I usually come around to things. Like Spiderman. And so when we got home, we ate dinner and watched the first Toby Maguire movie. G3 said it was a good day. I’m glad.

Oh, and the post credit scenes have me really excited about the new Doctor Strange movie, which is amazing considering I didn’t love the first one. But Wanda’s coming back and I really like her. Of course, watching the scenes, I was reminded of all the times Kati and I would take G3 to the movies. Whenever we saw a trailer for a Superhero movie G3 would announce, “I going to see that one with Grandpa.” I wish you were here so that you could still see the movies with him. 

Today, I went hiking and caching up near Waterloo Village. I had asked my family to join me, but it was too cold for Kati and G3 wanted a rest day. He put together his final Lego set — the International Space Station — and watched a movie with Kati. After hiking out West last summer, the trails here are bland and boring — no stunning scenery. But I did enjoy the hike and being outside. I had a good time caching too, considering I found every one I searched for.

I miss you!