Mama – Day 79

Daddy died seven weeks ago. I keep returning to Dad’s death certificate. It’s as if my mind refuses to believe it really belongs to him. I read it over and over again and I can’t pull myself away. But I had been wondering if it would note Covid-19 as the cause of our misery. It did.

The official cause of death: Cardiopulmonary arrest due to Covid-19 pulmonary infection.

The contributing cause of death: Respiratory failure due to Covid-19 pulmonary infection.

And now the wave is ebbing. I heard ambulance sirens only twice today. Mom and I went for a walk and people are out socializing with each other. No masks. No fears. No sorrow. It is as if a tsunami swept through town, washed away several thousand people, and now that the waters are retreating fear is dissipating. People are happy. They are alive. The world is renewing itself. But for dead, there is no rebirth. No revival. And for those of us who watched the wave carry our loved ones away, there are only tears. I walk around this neighborhood in which I grew up, and the ghost of my father follows me. There is no street that doesn’t remind me of him, no store that doesn’t carry at least one memory. I walk and I cry. How could God be so cruel?

This evening, Mom and I were walking my brother’s dogs. He left them here for her until he returns — which will be in about two weeks — because they’ve been good for her. Therapy dogs. They cuddle with her. They sleep curled beside her. And taking care of them gives her someone to dote on. Anyway, while we were walking, we saw a Trump banner flying in front of someone’s house. “Trump 2020 No More Bullshit.” The banner upset my mother so much it made her cry. It angered me. Seriously, why is that bastard still alive, but my father is dead. The world is unfair. How can anyone put the words “Trump” and “No More Bullshit” in the same space. The man is incapable of telling the truth. The only thing that flies out of his mouth is bullshit. Lies, bullshit, and insults. And while he sits in the White House, hiding like a petrified child from protesters, our country, our citizens are suffering. Pestilence. Protests. Poverty. This is what he has given us. And instead of trying to make any of it better, he’s threatening citizens with military action. What have we as nation become? How can anyone with a moral compass even slightly intact continue to support him? How can anyone who claims to be a Christian applaud him? How can anyone with any decency at all even contemplate voting for him? 

It has been a long day of running errands. Mom is exhausted. She is cuddled up on Dad’s recliner with the dogs. It’s the only thing that seems to bring her a little peace. A little comfort. Dad left behind so much emptiness. I don’t think my heart will ever heal.