Disappointment

Dear Dad,

I’m no stranger to disappointment, but that doesn’t make it any easier. We didn’t get the house we wanted. We put in an aggressive offer, but obviously, it wasn’t aggressive enough. I’m starting to feel like we will never get a house, never get G3 in a better school. I know I’m not supposed to think negatively. I’m supposed to put positive thoughts out into the universe, but that never seems to work. Last week is a perfect example. The three of were staying positive. We were envisioning ourselves in the house we liked. G3 was planning out how his room would look. All that positive energy, all those good thoughts, and disappointment found us anyway. It’s not even like we could have offered more. We put in the most we could and that was a stretch. If we had more money, we’d have more options. But we don’t. And even though I’m working, we’re still be just two teachers making very little. 

My depression is worsening. This morning I struggled to get out of bed. I woke up around six, but couldn’t move until after nine. Work is rough. The students have defeated me mentally, and emotionally I feel beat-up. I miss having time to write, but at the same time I wonder if not writing much is for the best. What’s the point of trying to write another novel if it’s only going to be rejected again and again and again? I feel like most days I turn on autopilot just to make it through. But it’s exhausting. I get up every day and do what I’m supposed to, but there is little happiness.

We looked at another house this weekend. I loved the amount of property and the distance from neighbors. But I didn’t care for the house. Kati hated it. Not finding a house has deepened the darkness around me.

I miss you!