Day 174

My heart can’t take anymore. This morning my spouse drove out to Long Island so that Mom could make another attempt to sell Dad’s car back to the Toyota dealership. While we were busy inside chatting with one of the Toyota guys, my son went missing. We couldn’t find him anywhere in the building, but I followed a hunch out to the parking lot. I found him in driver’s seat of Dad’s car, hugging the steering wheel, and crying. He never got to say goodbye to his grandpa. He never got one last hug, one final chance to say I love you. And losing the car crushed him. He has so many happy memories of him and Dad going places in the car — the beach, Mets games, boys days out, camp, trips the farms. I think he felt that as long as he could still ride in the car, a part of Dad remained with him. But if he was this broken up about the car, I can’t imagine how devastated he’ll be if Mom sells the house. When I told him it was time to go, he got out of the car and collapsed into my arms. He was too sad to be embarrassed about hugging me in public.

My son wasn’t the only one crying. Mom and I cried as well. Last night Mom didn’t sleep well. When she slept, she had a dream about Dad that troubled her. They were in Paris, visiting Notre Dame and she had to use the bathroom. When she came out she couldn’t find Dad anywhere. She woke up screaming his name. And from that point on, her heart was racing, her hands were shaking, anxiety wrecked her stomach. She didn’t want to sell Dad’s car. She didn’t want to give up something that was once his, but she doesn’t drive. The car would simply take up space and cost money to maintain. Selling it was really the only option. But walking away from it exhausted her both mentally and emotionally.

It has been nearly six months since my son last studied taekwondo. I tried to get him to do the Zoom classes but he hates Zoom. It wasn’t the same as being there in person. I agree with him. Zoom classes are not my favorite, but they are the best I can do at the moment and since I’m determined to get my black belt I show up every week and work my butt off. But I miss kicking and hitting things. I miss sparring. I miss breaking boards. Our instructor in New Jersey has started doing some live classes outdoors, but at the moment we are in Mattituck for various reasons and we will be here at least until Thanksgiving. The commute from here to there is too long. But my son misses the sport. And it became extremely evident when I did the taekwondo camp last week. He was jealous that I was advancing and learning, but still he refuses to do Zoom. Not only does he miss the sport his loves, he needs some interaction with peers. And since I’m homeschooling him, I think he needs to have some time away from me. Time where he has to listen to another adult and where he can simply be a child. I looked on line and there is an ATA Taekwondo studio in Patchogue, which is about 45 minutes west of Mom’s house. We stopped in today to speak with the instructor. I felt bad going somewhere other than RVATA, but my son needs to get back into shape. He needs a goal. Something active and something fun. And I can’t be in Jersey at the moment. He was a bit apprehensive about a new place, a new instructor, but the moment he found out he’d be learning the ssahng nat, a weapon that resembles sickles, he grew excited. I haven’t seen him this happy since we got back from our trip. We didn’t sign a contract. The instructor was very accommodating and understood our predicament. Since — if all goes according to plan — we’ll be back in Jersey by the end of November, he is allowing us to go month by month. We might only be there three months, but it should be enough for my son to get the rust off and return to his pre-pandemic conditioning. That way, when he returns to his home instructor none of his classmates should make fun of him and he should be ready to continue testing and advancing.