Day 123

Day 123

Today is Daddy’s birthday. If he had lived, he would have turned 72. Six months ago I would have bet money that he would have lived to see his mid to late 70s. But God said no. I didn’t always see Dad on his birthday. Summers, especially in my twenties and early thirties, were all about traveling, but regardless of where I was in the world, I always found a phone. I always made a point of calling to wish him a happy birthday. Last year, my son, spouse, and I left on his birthday for our vacation. We were heading up to Quebec and then over to Maine. But my son and I had come out to Mattituck to celebrate his birthday early and on his actually date of birth we called in the morning from the car to say hello. As always, Dad was happy to hear from us.

My brother left Mom’s yesterday. I swear, sometimes I don’t understand how his mind works. How do you leave your recently widowed mother the day before your father’s birthday? Mom said he had to get his dogs in for an appointment with the cardiologist and that’s why he had to leave. But still, he waited this long after everything shut down in March, what would another day or two have mattered. Anyway, I knew today would be hard for me — the last few days have been a struggle — so it seemed logical that it would be difficult for mom also. I didn’t want her to be alone, and so my son and I got up early and drove into Queens — about an hour and a half each way — to pick her up and bring her out here. 

In Riverhead, on the way back, we stopped to run some errands and so we didn’t get back to Mattituck until a little after three. It was too late to go to the Treasure Beach, so we went to the sound instead. It was Dad’s birthday after all and he would have wanted us to get to the beach. Of course it would have been much more fun with him but that is no longer an option.

I should probably stop watching the news. My anger increases exponentially every day. There are refrigerated trucks now in Texas because the morgues in Texas’ hospitals are starting to run out of room. It’s like New York back in April. How did people down in Texas not realize this would happen when they opened so quickly? How did they think they would not get hit if they refused to continue to wear masks and practice social distancing? Were they not not listening to the scientists? Oh, wait, don’t answer that. Of course they aren’t listening to scientists. This is America where apparently science is worthless. This is America where today the press secretary had the audacity to announce that science should not stand in the way of schools reopening. What? I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried. How did Americans get so stupid that they fall for this insanity. First, the president suggests we digest Clorox to keep ourselves safe from the virus and now we are being told that schools need to open even if people die because science isn’t important. And, if that isn’t enough to make you realize how god awful Trump and the current Republican Party are then take a look at Georgia where the governor is suing the mayor of Atlanta to prevent her from enforcing a mask ordinance. Yep, you read that correctly, the Governor of the state is trying to prevent the mayor from saving lives. The pro-life party rather see people die than wear masks. They’d rather see people die than listen to science and have schools teach remotely. The pro-life party is currently supporting the president who is responsible for 140,000 deaths. Shit! When did reality turn into an entire season of The Twilight Zone?

It’s Dad’s birthday. We should have lit sparklers, eaten a cake, and watched a movie together. Instead, we ate Chinese food — I didn’t have time to cook between getting to the beach late and having taekwondo class this evening — and now I am sitting on the porch alone. My son is asleep. Mom is watching the news, and I’m trying to picture Dad sitting at the other end of the table. What would he say about everything in the news? Every time I try to imagine a response, I just see him him shaking his head, a look a defeat on his face. “He killed me,” he says and then the image disappears.