‘Tis The Season

Dear Dad,

I’m having trouble with the holidays. I’m trying for G3 to be cheerful and do all the things he loves, but it’s so hard. Everything about Christmas makes me think of you and every memory is yet another reminder that you are no longer here. I can’t even listen to Christmas songs without wanting to cry. You loved Christmas music so much. I turn it on and in my head I hear you singing along with whomever is singing on the radio. It hurts so much not being able to share the season with you.

Today, we put up our tree. G3 was so excited. He was most excited to put up the ornaments we bought while on vacation. However, the very first ornament he put on the tree was the little ship he bough as a souvenir when he went to Block Island with the Boy Scouts. He was so happy when he came home from the trip and showed it to us. Buying it himself made him feel all grown up and independent. He hung it right in the center of the tree so no one could possibly miss it. The mountain goat he got in South Dakota also made him smile. He loves the mountain goat because it’s his spirit animal. While in Michigan — again — we stopped at Bronners, the Christmas store we all love. I usually don’t want ornaments for myself, but this year I wanted one to represent the fact that it was the year I finally earned my black belt. It felt good hanging the black belt uniform on the tree.

While we decorated, we listened to Christmas music. Even though it was hard, I know you’d have been disappointed if we didn’t. I felt almost as if I was betraying you by not hanging any Christmas balls on the tree — at least no non-souvenir ones. Oh how you loved the Christmas balls. But no matter how hard I tried, they never quite appealed to me the same way. G3 did enjoy reminiscing about you as he hung the decorations he stole from you and mom through the years. Every time we put up your tree, he took more and more of your decorations — Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, the German and Italian Flags, Tweedy Bird, the Dalmatians — because he liked them so much. Now they make him smile because they remind him of you and all the fun Christmases you two had together.

G3 wanted to go into Manhattan again this year. We skipped it last year because of COVID and because neither Mom nor I thought we could bear it. Not having you with us would have been too sad. But this year, Mom said she thought she could do it. However, there is a new variant. One scientists still don’t know that much about. And so, we decided not to go. I’ve done everything I can to keep G3 safe since the pandemic began. I’m afraid what might happen if I grow careless now. The subways are too crowded and I’m sure any restaurant we went to would also be packed. I figure it’s best to play it safe. I suspect you would agree. But I will still bring G3 to spend a weekend with mom. I’m sure this season is as hard, if not harder, on her than it is on me. Nothing is the same without you.

Last week was one of change for G3. We switched Taekwondo schools. We did not make this decision lightly. I wish you had been here to consult, I’d have liked your opinion. But I think you’d agree we did the right thing. G3 wants to be more competitive. He wants to do better at tournaments. But to improve, he needs to consistently spar kids who are better than him. The school he went to didn’t have enough students who could properly push him.

The first day at his new school he was extremely nervous. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him so anxious about anything. But the instructors were great about introducing him to the other students. And they welcomed him warmly. One kid specifically tried really hard to make G3 feel at home by cheering him on during drills. By the second day, he couldn’t wait to get to class. He enjoyed the rigorous workout, and sparring with the new crowd. As much as he liked it, he does miss his friends from his former school. It’s hard sometimes to move forward when you’re busy missing what you left behind. But perhaps this will be a good lesson for him. New adventures await those who are constantly pushing themselves to grow and improve.

This week, I also got my COVID booster. I get my vaccinations because you never had the opportunity to get yours. COVID killed you before you had a chance. But oh boy, did my body hate me. I got the shot on Monday, and on Tuesday, I could not get out of bed I felt so sick. My head was pounding and when I sat up I felt dizzy and nauseous. I couldn’t get up to work out — and you know I never miss a workout unless I’m super ill. Much to G3’s dismay, I did not cancel class. I taught from my bed. Even though G3 would have preferred no class, he liked the idea of staying in his pajamas all day and laying down with me to read. I’m glad he’s old enough that he was able to make his own lunch. It meant I didn’t have to move. 

I miss you!